This Mother’s Day will be my first one without my mom here to share and celebrate it with. I have an immense swirl of emotions around this as I go from highs to lows. I am sad that she is no longer here to enjoy this day with her family. I get anxious at the constant bombardment of Mother’s Day messages that gets thrown at me from the coffee shop to the grocery store. I get nostalgic when I think of how happy she would be when I gave her a new orchid ever year. How do you celebrate a holiday when the guest of honour is no longer here?
They say that “the holidays” are the hardest times without your loved ones that have passed on. And it’s true. My mom left this world in July 2014 and this past year has been a continuous challenge of “firsts” without her. Christmas was the first test of what life and traditions would change without the matriarch of the family there to steer things. And surprisingly, we got through it relatively well, noting that change can be good sometimes even if the reason for it wasn’t happy or willingly chosen. The feelings of sadness and grief are there but lessen over time, but I imagine, will always be there regardless of how many years have passed. I don’t think I ever want to lose those feelings entirely lest I forget or lose those precious memories I have of her.
So with Mother’s Day here, I find that I am struggling with this particular day even more so than Christmas or Thanksgiving or even my mom’s birthday for that matter. It’s a day to celebrate the woman who brought me into this world, who fed me and nurtured me and helped me become the person I am today. Just the word “Mother” makes me sad as it reminds that I no longer have mine. I suppose this is how others feel about Father’s Day when they don’t have a dad anymore or any number of other special dates that hold significant meaning to someone because of the ones they lost.
This Mother’s Day is the first one I will have without my mom. Like yesterday and tomorrow, I will continue to be without her but she is still with me. I carry her in my memories and the small daily reminders that make every day “Mother’s Day” for me.
I love you Mom and I miss you.